What is Inner Strength?

September 19, 2012

Students in the class of AVC 2013, travelled to Nain as participants on the Chinook Project. As part of the experience, the students craft various pieces of writing. This piece is anonymously submitted.

This year has been mentally, emotionally and physically challenging on a personal level. For a variety of reasons I lost my way and myself. I entered into a dark and hopeless place that tore me apart and has scarred my soul. Eventually I reached a point when I could not manage my current mindset and decided change was required. But how do you move on from such pain when the underlying factors are still present? Slowly I began to feel joy and have fun again; however, the pain still lurked in corners and was overwhelming at moments of weakness. I needed to find or create inner strength without knowing its origin or nature.  I required inspiration; the Chinook project planted a seed. 

I was emotionally and physically unwell entering the Chinook project and tried diligently to express a positive attitude. At the same time I was looking forward to the experience for several reasons. The project itself was appealing and exciting and I felt the time away might help me breathe, reflect and perhaps even provide some healing. No one can completely prepare for the Chinook experience. The clinic was busy from early morning until midnight everyday with only minimal opportunities to break for nourishment. There was no time to think beyond the medical demands of our clients and patients, which in some ways was beneficial because a busy mind can be a quiet mind. During this past year my mind often became an enemy, feeding the pain by dwelling on the past and haunting the future.  The necessity to focus completely on a different task was calming and empowering. 

The Chinook experience was not easy. I felt somewhat thrown into a world of chaotic medicine that I was not prepared or qualified to manage.  However, with time and assistance from my peers I became more confident and that confidence helped me develop a stronger perspective.  I believe self-confidence and a positive self-image are essential for healing mental wounds. How can one build inner strength if you do not even like or feel good about yourself? The confidence I gained in the Chinook project helped foster some self-acceptance and inner peace.

My comrades were an essential component to my elevation from self-imprisonment. The team congealed beautifully, which I did not fully expect. The constant support and humorous attitude was essential to the experience. I felt unlocked and free to be myself and discover who I am again. I had so much fun! It was immensely refreshing to experience joy away from most of the situations that helped create my unfortunate breakdown. I could not have asked for a better group of people to share this amazing experience.

I am not a typical veterinary student in the way I feel towards animals. It is true I love animals; however, it seems I do so differently than most veterinary students. I do not like all animals or have strong feelings towards most patients. I am not sure if this is something I developed in order to separate my feelings from the tasks I am required to perform for the overall benefit of the animal, or if I have not worked out how I actually feel towards most animals. Nonetheless, on occasion there are animals that sneak into my heart and I love them from the beginning. These animals are particularly special because they help remind me that I have a soul that loves animals. I encountered a few of these animals in Nain and I will not easily forget the love they brought to my heart. 

The ocean and the land-water interface has always been particularly special to me in ways I have only recently begun to discover. The afternoon we spent on Terry’s boat exploring the local landscape was an incredibly emotionally and mentally stimulating experience.  Since we were so busy during the Chinook project I did not have a lot of time to reflect on how I was feeling during the trip. This particular afternoon I was granted this opportunity in the most perfect setting. As I gazed at the beauty of the rolling, powerful waves and the majestic mountains so fresh and untouched from my place in the boat, I felt an inner peace that I had not felt in a long time. I felt the Chinook experience, and the beauty of the moment had helped me rise above some of my mental battles to a platform of relative stability. Had I found or created inner strength? If so, how did it happen and how could I maintain, reproduce or improve that feeling when I returned to regular life? Even if I could not answer these questions, the mental exercise was empowering and I finally felt like I could breathe. 

I am not sure if you can define a life-changing situation. It is possible that all of our life experiences shape and mold our lives and thus, can be qualified as life-altering events. However, I do believe that some experiences stand out among others and produce an epiphany that significantly alters our life path, even if only briefly. I am not sure if I understand inner strength, but do believe the Chinook experience planted seeds of hope and fortitude, and was the beginning of life-changing events. I will never forget the Chinook project and all it has done. It is time to live again. 

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